When Your Husband is Gay

One of the number one key word searches that bring people to both my English and Spanish blogs has to do with questions from women who want/need to know what to do when they find out their husbands are gay. That or simply the question, How do I know if my husband is gay? Is my husband a homosexual?

I have a blog entry, My Gay Husband—A Spouse Speaks Out, (and a similar one in Spanish) which is my most visited entry. Women have added their own stories and questions in the comments section. Yesterday I received another comment that I want to share. Wives with similar experiences, feel free to offer whatever support you can over at the original thread. I feel at a loss as to what to say, but I have seen you comfort and support each other in marvelous ways.

Thank goodness I found this site. I have been married 38 years and I have asked my husband if he is gay or bi but he always said no. Two days ago I found out that he is and it explains so much. Of course I feel betrayed, that our marriage is a fraud and a sham. My sons are young adults now and I worry what they will think. At least I know the reason he always came to bed later and avoided any kind of affection and sex became non existent no matter how hard I tried. It seems that my whole adult life has crumbled into nothing. He was my first and only love..he promised to grow old with me, he gave me sons, the one person that I always trusted and thought never lied to me.

If you are currently living a lie like this with a woman, please, stop it now before you crush her completely. Do not let your selfishness hurt so many lives.

Just found out and words can’t express how devastated and alone I feel. There is no one that I can talk to as I do not want to tell our sons (he should do that) or his family, I do not want to hurt him by telling friends or coworkers. It is like a tsunami has come through my life without warning and destroyed my entire world.

One excellent resource is the Straight Spouse Network. I know some people have had problems getting a response from them, but I was told that they have since changed their protocol and say that they will respond to every e-mail they receive.

This post has 2 Comments

  1. Lewis on April 17, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Been there and done that, Unfortunately. I can’t begin to tell you about the horrible feelings of living with her for so long. But, I also must say, that the situations are not always as simple as placing the blame on the gay closeted man. There are many, many mixed-up journeys out there.

  2. Peterson Toscano on April 18, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    lewis, I totally hear what you are saying. It is not a blame game, but as you suggest people need to take responsibility for their part.

    The sad thing is that many of these straight women (and some straight men)entered their marriages not knowing their spouse had struggled, at times for years, before deciding to get married. It is hard on everyone, but especially the straight spouse.

    As a gay man, I came out and found a community ready to welcome me with open arms. I got to experience the joy of finally accepting myself, of living a new life. Sure there were hard times too, but I found lots of support and resources.

    The wives of many of these gay closeted men find the opposite experience. They can bump up against accusation, coldness and the loss of key relationships. Their “coming out” experience is a breach birth of sorts filled with risks and heartache, self-doubt and pain.

    For a straight person who willingly marries someone who has had almost exclusively gay or lesbian attractions, they need to look at that and see their part in creating a marriage that had a high risk of failing. Also many other factors lead to the breakdown of a marriage, not just the gay thing. But it can become the deal breaker and at times the ultimate scapegoat.

    Most of the women who have shared their stories here on my blog found out about their gay husbands after years of not knowing, years of being told that everything was okay (even after they asked their spouse directly). This experience can devastate a woman who suddenly has to live a new life and often be the one to pick up the pieces. Too often I have found the gay husbands, in dealing with their own new lives, insensitive and judgment of their wives’ (and former wives’) struggle.

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