Update on a Straight Spouse

Back in December, I posted the entry, Another Straight Spouse Speaks Out. The anonymous writer, a Christian woman and mother of young children, shared some about her experience finding out her husband is gay and the journey she has been one since with all of its trials and challenges.

She has since left a comment with an update of the situation that I thought I would repost here. I post the comment in full but with paragraph breaks I added. I feel amazed at her willingness to be real and honest about her trial while somehow also remaining hopeful. I know other woman who have gone (and are going) through similar difficulties read this blog. Your stories are moving and must be heard.

I am the “another spouse” who left that first message. Just to give you an update….

Things are not easy, by a long shot, but we are being civil. I commented to my ex-husband recently that it’s as if I have a long-lost friend back. He has opened up to me much more since he came out than he ever did during the course of our marriage. Go figure!

I have had to let God do some serious work in me. And I know it’s because of His grace that I can go forward. I do agree that many churches make it IMPOSSIBLE for someone who is struggling with sexual orientation to voice that and deal with it. Okay, the fact is that i(t) SCARES most churches and pastors. It used to scare me. I’m not scared of the subject any more, but I do know that I have to choose carefully who I speak with about it.

I understand now that my ex wasn’t deliberately setting out to wreck my life. He thought he was doing the right thing. I just wish he would’ve TRUSTED me as a friend way back when we were dating, and let me know there were some issues there. I never would’ve deserted him as a friend. I’m not that kind of person. Sure, I would’ve put a halt to an engagement, but not to the friendship. I have always loved him, and I still do. But I love him now as a brother in Christ, and as a close friend.

People don’t understand how we can do that. I just tell them that our #1 priority is seeing our children grow up healthy, happy, and feeling secure that both of us love them forever. And besides, unforgiveness is a destructive spirit that I don’t care to possess. I am thankful for the good things we experienced together, and for what I learned from him. I’m thankful for how this is helping me to become a stronger and more confident woman. I have been hurt, but I have also been blessed. I am grateful.

This post has 5 Comments

  1. alex resare on January 23, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    I want to thank you “another spouse” for this update.

  2. nonsequitur on January 24, 2007 at 5:28 am

    “Another Spouse”… our hearts go out to you. I pray that you will continue to find peace and understanding through this chapter of your life. God really does work in mysterious ways. Just be open to His leading and keep faith that the labors involved in this life-setback will bear much fruit down the road. It is good to hear that you are still hanging in there and starting to work through things. While I am no authority on matters like this, it sounds like that your approach in this issue is the best one. I’ve known of other women who found out that their husband was gay and allowed themselves to seethe in bitterness and a desire for revenge, it did not serve them well and eventually lead to a lot of self-destructive behaviors. Keep seeking with love in your heart.

  3. Elliot on January 24, 2007 at 3:44 pm

    “Another Spouse”, you are a wonderful person for telling your story and for remaining civil with your ex husband. I can tell you from personal experience that it’s very hard being a Queer individual in society, but you’re a great example of an ally. I also thank you for what you’ve said.

  4. Steve Boese on January 25, 2007 at 4:45 am

    I understand now that my ex wasn’t deliberately setting out to wreck my life. He thought he was doing the right thing. I just wish he would’ve TRUSTED me as a friend way back when we were dating, and let me know there were some issues there.

    I know, even if it took me a while to accept, how true the second part of this was in my life. I should have trusted, could have talked things out, during the dating phase.

    And, with the first part, she has given herself, and her ex, the gift of forgiveness.

  5. Another Spouse on January 25, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    Hey all, thank you for your comments. I like to check back on this site from time to time. It’s one of the sites that I think is helping me to better understand my ex husband.

    To what Steve said; I don’t want to make it sound like my ex told me he was gay and I immediately had this great and accepting attitude. For a while, at first, I was downright ANGRY! And I believe rightly so, because he also confessed to cheating on me with many different men. So I felt a HUGE sense of betrayal, and wasn’t even sure if I could accept him as a friend. I mean, what kind of person says they’re your friend and then risks your life? I didn’t know what he could’ve brought home to me, you know? But thank God, we both tested negative for HIV and we’re both healthy.

    God had to to serious work inside of ME to be able to come to a place of forgiveness. But He did, and I am in that place, and I like the view. :o) I still wish that my ex would’ve told me way back when we were dating….but what is in the past is exactly that…IN THE PAST. I want to live in the present and look toward the future.

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