Where are the Queer Quakers: NEYM Day Four

This afternoon I attended the Worship Sharing* group for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) Friends, one of many worship sharing groups held each day of the New England Yearly Meeting of Quakers (NEYM) during our week-long gathering. Unlike the much larger North American gathering call Friends General Conference, which has a full program of LGBTQ activities organized by the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns (FLGBTQC or as I like to call them the Flibity-Gibitz) this worship sharing is the only LGBTQ-specific programming during the New England gathering.

Among New England Quakers we have LOADS of LGBTQ folks. One of the lead couples in the landmark Marriage Equality lawsuit resulting in marriage for same-gender folks are Quakers from Northampton Meeting and will soon celebrate 20 years living as couple. Pretty much everywhere I turn in every group, commitee, meeting for worship, and dinning room table I see LGBTQ Quakers at this gathering.

I do find it odd at NEYM to enter an LGBTQ-designated space when so much of the gathering is queer. Even the straight Quakers here are queer–so many non-gender normative and exceptionally open people! Wse have little need for our own space because we are fully integrated into the community. Even among the high school Quakers (Young Friends) I find a safe healthy space for people to be honest about their gender identity/expression and their orientation. Straight athletic teen boys have no problems suggesting that for an upcoming Rest & Relaxation high school retreat the program might consider offering spa treatments including facials with cucumber eye masks. No one snickered when it was suggested. The other boys agreed it would be a super idea. Another asked if they could do bread making again. In their discussions about sexuality, they are frank about their orientation, experimentation and questioning.

At NEYM I find that the LGBTQ people gather together because of our affinity with each other not because of the affliction of oppression leveled against us by the majority population making it necessary to seek refuge. We don’t have to meet in order to survive or to assert a part of ourselves that we must hide in all other spaces. And as a result, we grow, we thrive, we serve and strengthen the community. You will find one or more of us on nearly every committee and working in the youth programs with infants to high schoolers. Some of us have our own children in these programs. We’re part of the furniture and the fabric of this gathered community.

We are becoming old news which is good news–post-LGBTQ–with the queer part of us being just that, a part of us, an important part with a rich and sometimes challenging history, but still only a part of the whole integrated person. You will not find most of us even taking on LGBTQ issues. We are freed up to actively contribute to disccusion and action on issues of torture, earth care, myriad peace and social justice concerns, Quaker outreach and so much more. Since we don’t have to expend all of our energy living in closeted stealth mode or fighting for our right to belong, we instead use that energy to contribute to the community.

This week at sessions most LGBTQ folks will not atteend the LGBTQ worship sharing. Those who do, like I did today, will most likely experience blessing and fellowship and friendship. And those who don’t enter this designated LGBTQ space will also find the same in multiple places without having to compromise who they are in order to be full members of the community.

*from the LGBTQ Worship Sharing handout.

About Worship Sharing. This is a process to enable deep meaningful sharing to take place in a non-judgmental atmosphere. One person shares, distilling the promptions of the Spirit on a subject (perhaps but not necessarily, related to the themeof Yearly Meeting or an experience at Sessions) into a single statement, speaking from their won experience. Others actively listen. The contribution is received and reflected on in the silence. Everyone gets a turn to speak. There is no immediate response, no debate or discussion but a period ofsilence between contributions.

Gay to “Homo No Mo” to ex-Ex-Gay to Me: Identity Monologue

Of all the performance pieces I perform, The Identity Monologue seems to work well in every venue so far. Through eight characters in two minutes I tell my life story without actually mentioning that much of that story has to do with struggling over the fact that I was gay and that I spent nearly two decades attempting to de-gay myself. I imagine most people can relate to at least some part of the monologue as most of us have struggled to find ourselves and be ourselves at some point in our lives.

I have taken the piece far and wide performing it a public schools in Boston, Northern Ireland and Spain, at private schools including Sidwell Friends in DC and the Watkinson School in Hartford, CT, at universities such as American, Cambridge and McGill, at gay clubs in Portland, OR and Cape Town, South Africa, and many Quaker meetings and at churches including Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day and Adventist.

So here for your entertainment:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDhoZl4bzoQ&hl=en&fs=1&]

The Idenity Monologue

by Peterson Toscano

One: I don’t why but for much of my life I’ve struggled with identity. It’s not just accepting myself, but even understanding who I am as a person.

Two: No many people struggle with identity particularly the younger people, which is bad, it is terrible, it is a catastrophe.

Three: And I remember when I was growing up, shootI’d always be looking at other people, to see how they lived their lives, and I wondered what they were thinking about me, and what they were saying behind my back. As a result, I wasn’t always never honest about who I was.

Four: Then I tried to change all sorts of things about myself. You know externally, how I did my hair, the way I walked. Oh one time I even joined the soccer team. But it didn’t make any difference. No one ever treated me better and I never felt good about myelf.

Five: Y no se porque, pero trataba de cambiar muchas cosas en mi vida. Y gritaba al Senor, por favor, ayuda me, cambiame, salvme, perso sin exito.

Six: And I don’t understand why these issues of identity are so complicated, but for me they were, but after years of trials and tribulations, I finally came to the place where I understood who I was, and I accepted myself.

Seven: So now I can say Thank You Very Much. Although the process of self-discovery is a very very difficult process, it is an important process all the same.

Eight: And now when I look at myself in the mirror, and I see other people out and about in the streets, I often say to myself, the most beautiful people in the world, and the most powerful, are those people who are unashamed just to be themselves.

Growing Concerns

I write from the Friends General Conference, the gathering of liberal Quakers in North America, which meets this week in Blacksburg, Virgina at VA Tech. In addition to co-leading a workshop with Kody Hersh, I plan on attending as many talks and worship sessions as possible.

Yesterday I heard ‘Ben’ Pink Dandelion speak on Quaking with Confidence. He believes Friends have every reason to be confident and to share what we have with others. Our good news is that we have a practice, silent worship, and a confidence, that we can each individually as well as corporately, get guidance from the divine, God, the Light (whatever word you may use). We have the confidence that in our mostly silent worship, something happens–we change, we grow, we connect, we become better people, more aware, more engaged with the world. Good news indeed.

I also attended the worship hosted by the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns (the FLGBTQC–or as one Friend talk me, the Flibbity Gibbits). This group has met since the early 70’s, plenty of the original members still take part, and have developed a deep, centered worship time that at each FGC gathering meets for an hour each day from 4:30-5:30, much of that in silent listening and waiting.

Years ago when I first began performing my Homo No Mo play (availible at Quaker books 🙂 I briefly dated a Lutheran pastor very involved in a group called Lutherans Concerned. Not knowing the first thing about most LGBT faith groups, I still remember the moment in his car when I turned to him to asked, “Yes, but what are you all concerned about?” “Oh about LGBT issues,” he explained, athough he may have thought I was joking.

It’s a really great name “Lutherans Concerned.” I have since run into other LGBTQ faith groups with general sounding names where it is not apparent immediately what they do. There is Evangelicals Concerned, the Human Rights Campaign and in the UK they have Changing Attitudes.

What I like most about these names is that they don’t tie us down to ONE issue. Sure these groups focus on LGBT issues (more GL–in that order–and to a much lesser degree BT) but who’s to say that Lutherans can’t be and aren’t concerned about something else like homelessness (as the very queer trans Lutheran minister Megan Rohrer is) or that Evangelicals cannot be concerned about prison reform, assylum seekers and immigrants or the environment.

Among the queer Quakers of the FLGBTQC I know that many individuals carry leadings and burdens to do all sorts of work that do not directly affect LGBTQ people. John Calvi, aka my queer Quaker Daddy, who I wrote about recently, has been very active in the anti-torture movement. Many of the people I know from this group have one if not several issues for which they have felt leadings to do more, to organize, to get involved.

In the US where I live there is a constant fight for LGBTQ rights with some genuine advances and setbacks. After the mulitple failings of ENDA two years ago and the introduction of a new and improved Employment Non-Discrimination Act that now INCLUDES gender-expression/identity, LGB(T) groups have a chance to express active concern for transgender people. (Check out the Transgender Law Center to see how you can get involved).

As we gain more rights and security for LGBTQ people in the US, when and how do we look beyond ourselves to concerns in the wider world? These individual callings and burdens that we have–literacy, clean water, health care, elder rights and care, etc–when and how do the organizations we belong to grow in such a way to take on one ore more of these concerns?

The Queer Tyranny

Some people hate the word QUEER. They find it offensive and derisive–a term no self-respecting gay or lesbian should use to describe themselves. . For many LGBT people the word carries a history of abuse, oppression and even violence.

Marvin Bloom also has severe problems with the word QUEER as you will see in his video critique.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L00kFbBk4j0&hl=en&fs=1]

My history with the word queer is different to that of some other gay men. Perhaps on the playgrounds in NY where I grew up, homophobes were a little more progressive. They never used the word QUEER to mock me, rather they preferred FAGGOT, HOMO, FAIRY and most often GAY. They never called me QUEER, and I have no memory of hearing the word used in a negative context.

I first remember coming across the word in the English literature and British films I loved as a child and young adult.

Emily, it is nearly tea time and Rupert has not returned from his ride. It’s ever so queer.

All said in that lovely British movie accent of the 1940’s. Yummy. Queer to me meant out of the ordinary, odd, not the expected. It did not carry a negative connotation, rather it served as a descriptive term used for certain eccentrics or uncommon behavior.

For instance, Mary Martin (not the actress), an 80 plus year old woman in the town where I was raised lived alone with her cats, rode a bike around town, and volunteered for the volunteer ambulance corps up until the time she needed an ambulance herself. In our town she was seen as queer and was much loved by all. Although a single woman all her life, I never even considered if she was lesbian, just a little different, odd, queer in a wonderful quaint Mary Martin sort of way.

For me the word, queer, does not carry a weight of abuse and does not sound derogatory in my ear like it does for some. The word GAY once had that weight, especially when some oppressor spat the word out at me like a poison dart. Language is powerful, and I understand why some people find the word queer offensive and even irredeemable.

When I lived in the ex-gay world one of the most offensive and obnoxious practices had to do with ex-gay leaders asserting that they knew what made us gay and that they somehow possessed a profound understanding of our sexuality, our minds and our motivations. They insisted that we were blind to the truth, and it was their job to enlighten us. They provided a “one-size-fits-all” template that they demanded we follow without ever considering the individual differences between us and our own unique personal histories. They acted as the experts and bullied us (and our families) into following their theories about sexuality, identity and even language.

I find a similar type of bullying among some gay bloggers who demand that if someone uses the word queer that this reveals a self-loathing. They surmise that the use of the word queer demonstrates that the gay person still lives under the weight of anti-gay oppression. They put out a blanket statement without making any considerations for geography, generational differences, personal history or temperament. One size fits all armchair therapizing is a tool well used by ex-gay therapists. I find it repulsive when fellow gay bloggers and activists use it on me and others.

If we have gotten nothing else from the anti-LGBT oppression we survived, I do hope we have learned that it is essential to LISTEN deeply to each other’s stories. My gay experience is not your gay experience. Other voices–younger, older, various races and social backgrounds, gender expressions, etc deserve to be heard and respected.

And if someone says they find liberation or comfort or just playfulness in using a particular word to describe themselves and their experience, even if I cannot say the same, I have no business extracting that word out of their mouths as if it were some sort of linguistic rotten tooth. I can share my discomfort, perhaps even propose a possible theory, but I need to keep my pronouncements to myself.

For my part, I often say that I am queer, in fact a quirky queer Quaker. I mean, I am peace-loving Christian Quaker who likes to worship in silence and stillness , that is odd and out of the mainstream for our world. I am a vegan without a car or TV and work as a playwright/actor/activist/minister hybrid. None of this has anything to do with my sexuality–the fact that I am also gay. Add it all up and I think one can say, That’s ever so queer.

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Tag: queer