Three men in a Tube–NEW YouTube videos on Transgender Issues

This week on YouTube you will find some new videos on transgender issues including my new one looking at a Christian response to transgender rights.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeaQ2V8I-Ic&hl=en&fs=1]

Here is a GREAT video by slvrwlf about etiquette around transgender people.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sr3go4iXUf8&hl=en&fs=1]

Rico’s video coming to the realization of being transgender about three or four months ago.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu-1I_iGmIM&hl=en&fs=1]

Standing UP & Standing OUT

Earlier this week I received an e-mail from a gay Christian blogger. He often goes on rants about the word QUEER suggesting that if ANYONE uses it, this reveals serious problems with the person. They have given into the language of our oppressions who have used such words against us. Although I have tried to explain to him directly and indirectly that one size does NOT fit all (see my blog post on the word queer here), he and some others remain inflexible and dogmatic about the use of the word.

In his most recent e-mail he wrote to over a dozen LGBT bloggers and organizations encouraging us to read his latest series of blog posts about gender and transgender people and issues. I read through both the posts and found them appallingly inaccurate, offensive and disrespectful to the stories and lives of the many transgender folks I have met over the past five years. So much so in fact that I decided to respond to this blogger and all the people on the e-mail list that he included. I wrote,

Xxx, remove me from your mailing list. I have been able to put up with you misguided fundamentalism around the word queer, but I cannot stomach your misrepresentation of transgender individuals.

One individual, who was in the CC of the e-mail, wrote and wondered why I included all. This person felt like I was spamming everyone. I totally can understand that. Lord knows I get far too many forwarded, copied and unsolicited e-mails. We began a cordial exchange, and the person asked what exactly I find offensive about the gay Christian blogger’s words.

I wrote,

I typically ignore many of Xxx’s statements about the word queer. He paints with broad brush strokes assuming that if one uses the word, it means that there is something wrong with them. I understand how some people find the word offensive, but in a community as diverse as ours, one size does not fit all. If we are not careful, we can practice the same intolerance and oppression that we received from those who stand against us. I wrote a blog post about my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

As a non-trans gay man who does work around transgender issues (I perform a play about transgender Bible characters) I have spent a lot of time with trans people, learning firsthand about their lives and stories, hearing about the garbage they have to put up with from non-trans folks both straight and LGB. When I read Xxx’s blog entries on transgender issues, I felt they were offensive, misguided, inaccurate and transphobic. At times I think we need to make a stand and make a statement. Since he e-mailed a bunch of people the link and encouraged us to read it, I felt it was important to contact the same people to voice my objection to his words. Too often non-trans folks have stood by silently and not challenged misinformation and bullying.

I don’t ever remember doing a mass CC before to everyone on a list, and I will definitely consider your words should I feel drawn to do so again. My intention was not to spam people.

I appreciate you writing and letting me know how you felt about receiving the message from me.

On my blog I will not include links to the gay blogger’s site because I don’t want to indirectly promote such misguided and unhelpful messages. I write this blog to right a wrong. For too long as a non-trans gay man, I have sat by silently and not done enough to address the transphobia and misinformation often perpetuated by fellow non-trans gay man (Christian and otherwise).

I know for some non-trans folks, transgender issues and concerns may initially seem foreign to them. Some may even have experienced strong and even irrational reactions to transgender people within the community. As members of the LGBT community and hopefully allies to all in the community, we need to pursue thoughtful conversation and education. At times we need to stand up and stand out.

For an excellent, informative and entertaining first-person resource on transgender issues, check out Mila and Jayna’s Trans-Ponder Podcast. For a faith-based transgender resource, check out TransFaith Online.

On the Oregon Trail–Portland, Salem, Molalla

Okay, not the wildly popular game, The Oregon Trail, (STOP sending me Facebook OT apps already!) but my own mini-tour of the Pacific Northwest that began yesterday after I flew (on three planes) from Harrisburg, PA to Portland, OR. (I give special thanks to Virgina Wolf and the BF for giving me Mrs. Dalloway as a travel companion).

In 2006 the Anawim Community invited me to speak at their winter retreat where I did a series of Bibliodramas for them. Anawim is a Christian men’s group that has met for Thursday dinners and silent contemplation, prayer and Communion for the past 12 years. As Christian men who are also gay, they have provided each other with deep support in their faith journeys and through personal trials, joys and crisis.

I arrived in time to join in on their shared meal and to sit in silent prayer with them. They traditionally light candles for different people they are holding in the Light or in prayer, then sit silently for up to 40 minutes before entering a time of vocal prayer and then a lovely, intimate Communion service. (Even as a Quaker who doesn’t do Sacraments, I partake in the Communion because it goes beyond form and ceremony and achieves a true communal sharing.)

Sitting in the stillness of that room with those men, I remembered early Quakers and some reading I have done where Friends “waited on the Lord,” listened for correction, leading–for the voice of the Lord. I keep my prayer life personal and rarely write about it here in this blog, but last night I prayed a recurrent prayer that I have held out for decades. God I yield to you to have a tender heart, to know your will and to be sensitive to your leading. I remembered a promise in the prophets about how God would remove the stony, hard heart and replace it with a pliable, tender heart.

After the Anawim meeting, I met up with Jon Marc, a member of Anawim (he picked me up in his HMS Uranus U-Probe car!) and we went out for coffee at Pix Patisserie (YUM!) and then went back to his place to listen to some of the music he has been doing. He had been a worship leader years ago before he came out gay, and now he returns to doing music about his faith and his life.

I spent the night with Doug and Bruce, dear friends and a great married gay couple. (They always have all my favorite foods on hand!) and this morning after tanking up on some good PDX coffee, Doug and I head to Salem, OR to see the amazing Peggy Senger Parsons, pastor at Freedom Friends Church. I introduced Anawim to Peggy for their 2008 retreat, and they loved her so much, they had her back for 2009. We will get to spend the day together catching up, praying, eating and no doubt doing lots of laughing.

While in Salem I hope to also see Alivia Biko, a versatile singer and artist (and fabulous cook). Kody Hersh, a Quaker I know who now lives in Philadelphia and with whom I will c0-lead a workshop for Quaker teens adn young adults later this year, will also be in Salem today. Kody spoke back in 2007 sharing some of his journey as a young transgender man who has been involved with Quakers during imiportant times of self-discovery. Lots of Quaker action in Oregon.

But wait, that is not all you get! After Salem, Doug, Kody and I will head to Molalla where the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns will meet for the annual Mid-Winter Gathering (and where I will perform Transfigurations–Transgressing Gender in the Bible). This group meets twice a year to worship together in silence, listen deeply to each other, to conduct business meetings, to have social times and to love each other. Some of the folks have been meeting together like this for over 25 years, so it is a deep connection many share.

I most look forward to the times of silent worship, the sitting, listening, leaning in to hear what the Spirit has to say. That and just all the hugs and smiles and laughs and conversations that make the weekend so rich.

I head off to Seattle on Sunday to be with the United Methodist. I will keep you updated on how the tour is going.

Doin’ Time with Christopher Hitchens, Peter Gomes and Harold Kushner

I feel like I just stepped out of a Dr. Seuss book–Oh the Places You’ll Go!

new_logo_with_words_non_anniversary Yesterday I spent about six hours with Christopher Hitchens, Peter Gomes, and Harold Kushner. No, I was not having a read-a-thon about faith or the need to annihilate it. Instead I had the privilege of volunteering for the Connecticut Forum, an organization in Hartford, CT that creates public conversations among luminaries. Last night’s topic? GOD-Big Questions…BIGGER Questions.

And what role did they offer to this queer Quaker Christian? I was the personal valet to Christopher Hitchens. In addition to the main stage event at the Bushnell Theater, the Forum runs a series of pre-Forum events with their guests–a book signing, a press conference run by Youth Forum members, a cocktail party, dinner, and then all the backstage activities. The role of the valet is to make sure his or her guest is comfortable, not harassed by fans, and most importantly, that he or she gets to the next event on time (preferably sober).

Christopher Hitchens

I somehow think the Forum continues to ask me back to valet because as a performance artist, they understand that no one fascinates me much than myself. That and I lived in NYC for 10 years where one gets trained to walk with a catlike aloofness toward all manner of celebrities. (As a result, some years back I got to spend a glorious Forum evening with Kurt Vonnegut and his secondhand smoke.)

Of all the Forums that I’ve done, this is the one that generated the most buzz from my friends. On Facebook I announced that I would spend the evening with these three men, and immediately the requests came pouring in.

Give Peter Gomes a hug and kiss from me
Tell Rabbi Kushner I said hi
Take ME with you!

Even my agent, Sarah B. Miller, who can suntan next to Orlando Bloom in Palm Springs and not bat an eyelash, got all giddy and asked me to get Hitchens to sign a book for her boyfriend. (Which of course I did in completely unobtrusive valet fashion.)

Richard Sugarman, the cuddly Buckeye fan who runs the Forum with his wife Doris, (who looked super stylish in a tailored Chanel black and white tweed suit), asked me why I thought people showed so much interest in this “God” Forum. In fact, they expected over 2500 people that evening to sit and listen to three guys talk about religion. I said I think it is because religion matters to believers and non-believers. These are conversations that we don’t often have, yet religion effects our lives culturally, politically and personally.

Other staff and volunteers at the Forum who know me and my quirky Quaker ways wondered why Richard wanted me to valet for Hitchens, the outspoken atheist. I admit I felt a natural inclination towards Peter Gomes, who recently spoke at the Gay Christian Network Conference. (“They were delightful!” he told me in his charming high Bostonian accent. “I didn’t even know such a thing existed.”)

Christopher Hitchens

Hitchens and I turned out to be an effective pairing. When introduced as his valet for the evening, Hitchens broke into a mischievous grin and replied in his Oxford/Cambridge drawl (he attended both schools) “I’ve always wanted a valet.” For all the public bluster and aggression (you should have seen him take on genital mutilation with Kushner–yikes!) I found Hitchens to be thoughtful, engaging and very very smart.

Turns out Hitchens’ daughter attends a Quaker school where they have silent worship most mornings. I asked him why he would choose a religious school for his daughter, to which he replied, “Well it is a good school.” When I asked about the worship, he stated, “Ah, but they just sit in silence,” which I think we can take as a passive endorsement of Quakerism from this outspoken non-believer.

In preparation for the evening I read Hitchens’ book God is Not Great–How Religion Poisons Everything. Even as someone who thinks that God is pretty great, I enjoyed the book and agreed with much of his reasoning about the negative impact that religion has had on individuals, societies and governments. Dogma, doctrine, control, fear, shame, subordination of women–these elements sadly have been the hallmarks of many if not most religious traditions. Perhaps this is why I have chosen a strain of Quakers for myself where we do not have ministers laying down the law, a creed to profess or sacraments to enact. Instead we have to work much of it out for ourselves as we sit together and listen. (I see it as a church for adults).

Whatever one may feel about Hitchens and his views on religion, one can’t help but admire his taste in literature. He is a huge fan of George Eliot (Marian Evans) and Saki (H.H. Munro), two of my all time favorite English writers. As we chatted during the intermission, Hitchens told me how he thought that Saki had been a man who liked men, although we have no proof of this (other than his writing which bristles with camp and fops). Hitchens told me that during the Edwardian period no one even mentioned Oscar Wildes’ name, yet in Saki we see echoes of Wilde all over the place.

Peter Gomes

For me the most exciting moment of the evening took place during transport from dinner at the Marriott to the Bushnell Theater, a 10 minute ride in a limo-bus contraption replete with disco lights and a bar. I positioned myself across from Peter Gomes, chaplain at Harvard and writer of many progressive books on theology including his newest The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus–What’s So Good about the Good News. My goal? To seduce Peter Gomes with my unorthodox Biblical interpretation on gender.

After a brief introduction and some talk about the Gay Christian Network Conference, I casually dropped my theological bait,

Me: I perform a play about Transgender Bible characters. (pause for effect)
Gomes: Really?!? Who is transgender in the Bible?
Me: Well, the eunuchs for one. The story of Esther would completely fall apart without the surgically altered, differently-gendered eunuchs. And of course one of the first converts to the Christian faith was a Black African eunuch.
Gomes: That’s really something! I am going to have to use that in a sermon.

Knowing I had tapped into his geeky exegetical side, I pressed in with stories of Joseph from Genesis and “the man” carrying a pitcher of water in the Gospels. Gomes seemed genuinely dazzled by all this (Hey, not only am I a performer, I do have a unique take on the scriptures virtually unheard of in most churches, synagogues, and seminaries.)

Harold Kushner

All this took place in a span of seven minutes. As we arrived and shuffled off the limo-bus, Harold Kushner, having overheard the conversation about gender variant Bible characters, turned towards me to comment. I somehow expected a rebuke or a correction for mishandling the scriptures. Instead he told me that in the Midrash there are stories of Joseph putting on makeup and looking as beautiful as his mother. Ha!

Connie Schultz

Backstage at the Bushnell Pulitzer prize winner, Connie Schultz, the moderator for the evening, prepped for the colossal task of facilitating a conversation between these three men. (One question that arose later in the program–Why no women panelists talking about faith? Indeed.) During the pre-show run up, Connie also connected with much of the backstage staff–the doorman, the caterer, the tech folks–asking about the theater and interacting with genuine interest. I thought that if I had been in her shoes, I would have been a nervous wreck. Instead she helped everyone else feel at ease and valued.

Finally the three men and Connie sat on stage to began their conversation, a roller coaster discussion that ranged in topics on faith, religion, politics, God, President Obama, and, well, genital mutilation. Hey, it is the Connecticut Forum. Anything can happen.

An Open Letter to Our Oppressors

In light of the passage of Proposition 8 with the denial and removal of rights for gay and lesbian couples, and the other anti-gay ballot measures recently passed, the inclusion of Rick Warren in the upcoming US presidential inauguration festivities, and recent anti-gay comments by the Pope (along with may many other previous anti-gay statements), I wish to write an open letter to my oppressors, many of them fellow Christians.

Dear Oppressors,

Yes, I hear you. I am not deaf to your messages. To the Holy Father in Rome, Reverend Rick Warren in California, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the many supporters of Prop 8, Focus on the Family, Exodus International, and so many others who publicly speak out against LGBT people and our rights, I hear you loud and clear. No matter how you sugarcoat it and wrap it up with smiles and scripture and say that you are nothing like the extremist, Fred Phelps, I hear your message loud and clear telling me that I am inferior and unwanted in your world. These are not your words, but all the same this is the message you communicate.

I hear you insist time and time again in multiple ways that heterosexuals are superior to gays and lesbians. Your marriages, your homes, your “lifestyles” are normal, but mine? Not so much. I hear you declare that I am not capable of producing anything good or beneficial other than some window treatments or a decent hair style. In essence I hear you say that I am a worthless piece of shit and the cause of untold woes and problems, the harbinger of even worst things to come.

Some of your best friends may be gay, and you may profess that you really love the homosexual, but all the while your words and aggressively anti-gay activism consistently serve to dehumanize me–to present me and my kind as oversexed, deformed animals.

You remain steadfast in your opposition to the full inclusion of LGBT people in the life of the church. You oppose, limit and even remove rights in order to keep us unequal and legally inferior. You spend exorbitant amounts of money and time telling lies about us while expending so little energy actually getting to know us. You deal with theories, not reality. And you are wrong, dead wrong.

You treat us as an inconvenient and unwanted Christmas gift that you desperately wish to exchange for something better. You belittle our love, our families, our faith, our morals, our very lives while all the time you claim to speak the truth in love. This is not love. This is fear. It is control and oppression, and it is the rejection of God’s gifts to the church, society and in some cases to your very families.

I know all about rejecting this gift. I did it for years as I repented daily of the same-sex attractions and gender differences I found inside me. I demonized my sexuality and believed no good could come of my gay orientation. I proceeded to return this gift as I bullied God for something else–I coveted my straight neighbor’s life believing the propaganda that his was the idealized norm to follow instead of trusting God for the life I had been given.

In the midst of all that I experienced grace and tenderness from God, extreme patience, kindness ultimately leading to a deeper repentance, one based in Light and reality, a repentance that recognizes that a gay orientation and gender differences came to me as an astonishing gift of power and beauty.

I confess I do not possess the same patience and understanding as God. Your words, your bully tactics, your unbridled and arrogant superiority sicken me. I struggle to love you or call you brother. Yet I remember the years that I persecuted myself and others, the dread of change that ruled my life and my narrow faith, and the need to contain everything in simple boxes with no unanswered questions or gray areas.

I may be a peace-loving Quaker and a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I am going to avoid confrontation or assume we can all just hold hands and overlook our differences. To do so would be to support your oppression and enable you to continue in it with my permission. I point out to you what you may be unwilling or unable to see. You stand as oppressors, bullies, abusers imposing your sexuality and religious views on others. Are your hearts evil and full of bad intentions? I cannot say. I do not speak of your hearts but of your actions and your words.

In spite of the opposition and the oppression, we will thrive. Transgender people, lesbians, bisexuals, and gays will have our families, our faith, our places in our communities. We will walk hand in hand with our partners without apology and without shame. We will enjoy our sexual lives as a expression of our love and as a conduit of pleasure–pure and simple. We will not go away or heed your flawed and uninformed message.

And perhaps one day you will come to your senses. Perhaps you will see with clearer eyes. Perhaps you too will repent of your bullying and the rejection of the gifts among you. Regardless, we will not back down, and we will continue to live our lives with dignity.

Carol Boltz Courageously Blogging

Carol Boltz has been through a lot over the past several years. Well established as a married woman with adult children out of the house and grandchildren soon to hit the scene, her husband, Ray, broke the news to her (and then the rest of the family) that he is gay. The depression that had crushed him for some time afflicted him in large part because he lived with the reality that he could no longer hide.

Carol then did something amazing. Yes, she hurt, she felt confused, angry, all the things that one might expect a straight spouse to go through upon learning of her partner’s gay orientation. But then she looked for information. She looked to connect with others. She needed answers.

rayboltz I first met Carol when she responded to a post about straight spouses that I had on this blog. We have since become friends and met in person on a number of occasions at ex-gay survivor events.

To make matters even more complicated, Carol’s husband Ray Boltz, is a public figure, a well-known contemporary Christian singer. After they privately worked through the many challenges and questions they faced over his coming out, their separation and divorce, they recently had to go through much of it again when Ray came out publicly. (You can hear one of his new songs here.) This has outraged some of his most ardent fans, while it has delighted many gay Christians. Carol has gotten caught in the crossfire.

Recently Carol launched her own blog, My Heart Goes Out… Please take a moment to visit the blog and share with Carol a word of support, a word of encouragement, a word of affirmation. She is a courageous and beautiful woman.

Many Christians have questions about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender issues and the Bible. We may think we heard everything there is about these issues. Hidden right before my eyes, I have discovered people in the Bible whose stories might surprise you.

Official Trailer Transfigurations-Transgressing Gender in the Bible from Peterson Thomas Toscano on Vimeo.

The Killer Choice

I just spoke with a 20 year-old who is faced with what seems an impossible choice. He comes from a conservative Christian family. His father is a pastor, well known in the area where they are from. This young man chose to be a Christian years ago, but he also is gay. He tried for the past few years to “fix” his gayness, going to Christian counselors, reparative therapists, ex-gay programs. Three years ago he began to suffer from depression and is now undergoing medical treatment for it. He recently came to the conclusion that “change” is not possible. He has heard it from ex-gay leaders themselves, leaders who still struggle on a daily basis with their own desires, ex-gay men who secretly look at gay porn all the while seeking to maintain their heterosexual marriages and public ministries.

The young man has a choice to make. If he accepts the reality that he is gay, he will likely lose his family and his church friends. If he stuffs his orientation, it seems things will only grow worse for him, that he will stave off the inevitable only to come out later in life suffering from psychological, emotional, spiritual and developmental harm that can come from repressing one’s sexuality.

He has few gay role models in the world around him. He knows hardly anyone who is gay, and has only begun to branch out an connect with people. He has witnessed a gay party crowd that he has avoided and has heard from conservative anti-gay leaders that gay men have no morals in regards to families and faithfulness. He’s a thoughtful, intelligent, deep person who doesn’t want to party, but to be a person of integrity, a person of faith and in good health. He has begun his journey of self-discovery and of education about the world around him. With each step he comes closer to having to make a choice–one filled with risks no matter how he chooses.

What a dreadful choice to have to make. For those who wonder why it takes some of us so long to come out, consider this young man and the challenge of having to lose something no matter how he chooses.

Those of us who are transgender, bisexual, lesbian and gay, we offer our communities and our families a great gift. So often “the other” is someone on the outside–the foreigner, the person who practices a different religion, the man or woman living on the street, etc. But with queer folks, we pop up in the middle of our churches, communities and homes. Suddenly those around us face a test–How will you respond to “the other” in your midst? Too often people fail this test, react in fear and thoughtlessness and drive “the other” (who is also their own) far from them.

Others rise to the challenge. They read, research, think, consider, pray–no just in one direction, the one they have been programmed to go in, but they allow themselves to hear new voices, to take in new perspectives. They do not let fear rule them, but they trust that they will find the truth and not assume they already have it. As a result, their faith changes, their lives change, their outlook changes. They too may experience loss, friends who cannot abide them as long as they accept their queer child, sibling or friend. They may lose their standing in their community, acceptance by their peers, opportunities to serve in their faith communities. They may get treated as “the other,” a problem to be removed instead of a person to be understood.

I too am a Christian, and from what I understand of Jesus is that in his ministry, he did not concern himself with politics and instead demonstrated a deep and growing concern for people. He challenged the thinking of his day, of the religious leaders around him who had gotten stuck, who sought to keep everyone in the boxes these leaders constructed and insisted God wanted them to maintain. A few of these religious leaders opened themselves up to see beyond the rules and regulations and got to the heart of the matter. They received the gifts “the other” brought them and grew wise. The boundary lines demarcating their religion grew fuzzy, and their faith grew stronger.

I pray for this young man, and I pray for his family that they will be happy and close and loving and that they will see beyond what they have been taught and come to a place of understanding.

Come Let Us Wrestle Together–An Exciting NEW Project!

I am trilled to announce that Ihave begun to work on a new project. It is an attempt at a thoughtful dialogue between me and Warren Cole Smith, an Evangelical journalist and the editor of The Charlotte World. We are discussing and writing together about a variety of issues in hopes of modeling a conversation that is both frank and respectful.

We will appear together on the same stage to make our conversation public this coming December 6, 2008 at 7:00 PM in Asheville, NC in an event we are calling Come Let Us Wrestle Together. (Which I am aware sounds strangely homo-erotic.)

When two Christian men, one straight and one gay, get together, sparks are sure to fly.

But when both of them can intelligently articulate their positions and reasonably respond to the positions of the other, the sparks generate not just sound and fury, but warmth and light.

That’s exactly what happens when Peterson Toscano and Warren Smith get together.

Toscano, a Quaker from New England, is a gay performance artist, a blogger, and the co-founder of the organization Beyond Ex-Gay. Warren Smith is the editor of The Charlotte World, a newspaper that serves the Christian community. Together they are attempting to write a book together about the things that separate them.

Questions relating to sexuality are on the front pages of our major papers almost every day, but these tough questions are almost never answered. The gay activists talk to their base, and the Christian activists talk to their base. But they rarely talk to each other, and if they do neither side wants to go public with the results of those conversations.

Come Let Us Wrestle Together will take some of the most interesting and provocative issues of our day, take two people who are passionate and articulate about their respective sides in the debate, and bring them together in a format that gets well below the surface. Peterson and Warren will truly engage the issues because neither will let the other avoid them!

Come Let Us Wrestle Together
Saturday December 6, 2008 7pm
Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church
789 Merrimon Ave
Asheville NC 28804

Frightened by Quakers and Terrified by Palin

Post Traumatic Stress WARNING: If you attended a pentecostal or charismatic church, you may find this post hard to read.

I attended a Quaker meeting for worship today in Downtown Manhattan (where a regular reader of this blog gave me a very warm welcome–thanks!) One person shared a message about fear and how we can fear those we do not know.

As the meeting continued in blissful silence, I reflected on fear–the things that once frightened me and the things and people that fill me with terror today.

From 1985-1995 I lived in NYC as a born-again Christian with a strong Charismatic bent that bent even further into the world of Pentecostal Holiness. Evil spirits, doctrines of demons, spiritual warfare filled my church experiences and my prayer closet. Ours was a warlike religion where we had to fight for ground “the enemy” had won–the enemy being Satan and his minions–the ground being schools, the media, government and even large sections of Christendom.

At one church we routinely railed against unseen, but to us very real, spiritual warlords who firmly controlled their assigned zones of the city. Standing up as a tribe of holy warriors we did battle in our weekly prayer meetings against the principalities and powers in the North, South, East, and West of the city. We felt powerful as we cursed out these evil spirits–demonic officials presiding over their prescribed neighborhoods, boroughs, counties, states and countries in a complex spiritual hierarchy that mirrored our civil system (or was it the other way around???)

Our church leaders trained us to sniff out false doctrine, to stay alert to demonic strongholds, and to reclaim ground given over to the evil one. Whenever one of us moved into a new apartment, we conducted ceremonies to drive out the devilish remnants of the last occupant. In what now seems heavily influenced by pagan practices, we laid hands on the walls, anointed the doors and windows with oil, and prayed a strong hedge of protection around the new abode. We reclaimed the ground in Jesus’ name. You see we lived as warriors for Jesus at home and abroad, anywhere our feet touched we took back for Jesus and his triumphant ever-expanding kingdom.

In 1990 I married a sister from the church, and on our honeymoon we traveled to England and Wales. One Sunday morning we looked for a place of worship where we might feel at home. Despairing of finding our typical pentecostal holiness style worship center, we stumbled into a Welsh Quaker meeting house. We had heard of Quakers and knew that like a house church we had begun to attend, traditional Quakers did not have a planned program of worship. Anyone could contribute as they felt led. We believed we were progressive pentecostals.

We arrived about 20 minutes before the start of the service, which gave us time to look over the literature the meeting had on display. After only a few sentences we felt uneasy. They didn’t speak of Jesus in the way that we spoke of Jesus. They seemed to suggest that we could find our way to God by looking within. Terror gripped us as we realized we had unwittingly entered enemy territory. We immediately branded these “Friends” as heretics placing them under the subcategory of New Agers, which was another way of saying demonically deceived and therefore spiritually toxic. We fled as we pleaded the blood of Jesus much like rescue workers hosing themselves as they escape a noxious bio-hazard site.

These quiet Quakers threatened me and stirred up the fighting instinct drummed into me by my religious leaders. The fear I felt came from my ignorance though, not from understanding. I have since met Quakers, attended Quaker meetings and gatherings, read Quaker books and have become a member of the Religious Society of Friends. No demons, no evil empire, nothing to fear. I have found friends and Light and a deeper understanding of myself and the world. (I do admit I fear modern Quaker fashion–Birkenstock sandals with socks! Yikes!)

Sitting in the meeting this morning, I asked myself, What do you fear today? The immediate response–Sarah Palin, the Republican vice presidential candidate. I genuinely feel afraid of what could happen to this country and the world should she take federal office. (If McCain wins, she has a high likelihood of having to take over the reign, um reins at some point.)

Why am I afraid? It is not the same fear that I had with the Quakers back in 1995, a fear based in lack of information and unfamiliarity. No my fear of Sarah Palin comes from nearly 20 years attending churches very much like the ones the governor of Alaska has attended since she was a young person.

Not only do these churches believe it is wrong to be gay and that gay folks need to repent and change, not only do they believe that only a proper Christian (their kind of Christian) will enter the Kingdom of God, not only do they believe a minister can lay hands on you and protect you from witchcraft (as Sarah Palin experienced at her church,) they believe that the countries of the world and the institutions around us are under siege by evil forces that need to be broken and forcibly subdued through prayer and fasting and “taking ground.” They speak to evil spirits binding them in Jesus’ name. They fight imaginary wars in their prayer closets that they then take to the streets.

I know, because that is what we did in my church and what happens in thousands of other Protestant churches that have traveled in time back to medieval Catholic Europe with incantations to ward off evil and the firm belief that if you are not for them you are against them–you are working for the devil.

This terrifies me because I know how violent and irrational and other-worldly these churches and church leaders can be. I suffered at their hands for years. I remember how we scoffed at science and reality believing in an alternate reality based on a particular reading of the Bible and the testimonies of a few men (and even fewer women). We had a plan for world domination in Jesus’ name. We prayed leaders into the highest offices possible always seeking the biggest prize, the White House. We sought and fought to get people placed in the media, schools, city councils anywhere and everywhere so that we could expand the kingdom of God and make a stand for what we declared was righteous.

We believed we could turn the United States into a Christian nation, a theocracy, an all conquering religious movement that would get prayer back in schools, criminalize abortions, outlaw homosexuality and raise up an army of young men and women to turn the world upside down.

Sounds crazy? It didn’t to me when I was trapped in it, when I first went to war against myself and my own sexuality trying to de-gay myself then turning my righteous fury on the world around me as I picketed in front of abortion clients in Midtown Manhattan and terrorized gays and lesbians and trans people in Greenwich Village. Of course I believed we were saving the world, bringing a new dawning of understanding and enlightenment. All the while I shut my ears to reality and harmed myself and those closest to me.

Why do I write this post? Perhaps it is to metaphorically exorcise the demons from my religious past–the fear. I hate fear. I hate what it does to our brains. I hate that I have these fears of Sarah Palin and the religious movement that wants her desperately to win (and may be hedging their bets on McCain’s old age and health problems to open the door for Sarah to rule in Jesus’ name.) I am sure my fears are slightly exaggerated. We have checks and balances and such. But still, if Sarah Palin becomes vice president, I will be afraid, very afraid.

For Christ’s Sake and in Jesus’ Name Come OUT!

Yes for the sake of Jesus and Christ’s church I implore you to come out of your closet!

My heart breaks over meeting scores of people every month who live half in and half out of the closet. They have a thousand reasons (some quite valid) for keeping silent about their gay orientation, but they silence themselves at great cost.

At Church Madrid, Spain

Yes I know the risks. I too lived in the shadow lands of the closet only revealing to a select few, mostly on-line, that I was gay. I felt terrified at what I felt certain I would lose. I feared death, the death of vital relationships with family and friends. I worried about expulsion from church, Christian college, jobs and housing.

Some of that did happen, but the reality is that the greatest opposition I faced was internal.

When we choose to remain in public denial about our sexuality (ie in the closet) we impoverish ourselves, the church and the world around us.

We deny our churches the opportunity to grapple firsthand with “the gay issue.” We deny them the gift of our sexuality and all the discussions and dilemmas that gift brings to faith communities.

We deny ourselves the chance to live in integrity, integrated, whole. Instead we have to act shifty, dishonest, expending tremendous energy cloaked behind screen names and avitars. We stifle a part of ourselves, a part that fills our thoughts and on-line discussions and that fills our prayers.

We deny ourselves dignity and respect, and by acting ashamed of our sexuality, we give others permission to treat us shamefully.

We say, It’s no big deal. It is only a tiny part of me, but it is a part connected to the whole that in keeping silent has infected many of us over the years with secrets that weigh heavier and heavier as they spread to include other areas of our lives.

Instead of walking in the Light, we live to please others. We don’t want to make waves. We cowardly live for man and not for God, and in so doing we die by inches.

Looking Out from a Church Ruin

As Jesus called out to Lazarus after days of rotting in the cold dark tomb, we too can heed Christ’s call to “Come Out” of our tomb-like closets and let others unwrap us from the stinking shame-filled grave clothes that constrict us.

We don’t have to come out “gay” like all the other gay people we see in places like The Advocate Magazine–we can come out as ourselves–women and men who choose to follow Christ, who happen to be lesbian, gay or bisexual, who have all sorts of interests and gifts to offer and enjoy.

This message may not be for you. If not, than move on in peace. If so, I pray the gift of discomfort in that closet of yours, that soul sucking chamber of lies. Come to your senses and come out in Jesus’ name.

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