For many years I lived as an Evangelical Christian who read the Bible as a flawless text that I took literally. In a world that seemed scary and chaotic, I found comfort in Bible verses, stories, and passages that explained the world around me and provided clear guidelines of how to live in it.
As a person who also happened to be gay, I also felt an extreme chronic conflict between my faith in Jesus and my sexual orientation. I heard and believed that I could not be both gay and Christian at the same time. I had to chose one over the other. The choice was easy for me–I wanted Jesus. I wanted to be as close to God as possible with nothing separating us. I was willing to count the cost and make whatever sacrifices necessary to either rid myself of my gay desires or hold them at bay, submitting them to God’s Spirit to tame or remove.
I spent nearly 20 years praying, reading the Bible, worshipping God daily, sometimes up to four hours a day. I memorized much of the Bible and delighted in the stories from both the Old and New Testaments. It wasn’t simply that I wanted to be straight, I wanted to be pure in heart, believing the promise: Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. That is what I wanted more than anything in life. That and to continuously nuture the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life.
Sadly I reaped a completely different harvest. Through the years I grew more and more depressed. I found I had less and less self-control. It actually seemed the more I suppressed my desires to be intimate with a man, the more extreme my attractions grew. I became more and more angry, anxious, self-hating, and confused. I even considered ending it all my distress was so great.
I had to admit that I was on the wrong path. “You shall know them by their fruits.” And the fruit revealed I was misguided. I coveted the straight life and masculinity with all of the acceptance and privileges that came with them. I was afraid of the consequences of being authentic.
When I finally came out gay, already in my thirties, I needed to figure out what to do with my faith, which was the most precious part of my life. I could not imagine living without being part of a faith community and without daily communion with God. I also trusted no one anymore when it came to the Bible. It seemed everyone had their own agenda both the gays and the anti-gays. The theology I read about gay people seemed so sloppy and skewed by strategic political messages.
So I had to take matters in my own hands. I needed to look at the text with fresh eyes, dispassionately, not to suit my needs but to simply understand it better. The good news is that I found all sorts of sexual minorities in the text and people who were very different from the other men and women around them. I ovelooked these people for many years in large part because I would not affirm people like that in my modern world, and I could not accept myself as one.
These days I talk a lot about the Bible. I tell lots of Bible stories, laying out what I have seen. I trust people who listen to apply what I share however they see fit. I’m interested in critical thinking and open handed interpretations of th Bible, readings that lead us to understand, accept, and love our neighbor as we do the same towards ourselves. Though a complicated series of writings, I have found that the Bible provides helpful on-ramps to self-acceptance and equality. Good News.