This is the Malta Man. He’s part of a billboard that stood outside my hotel window in Yaounde, Cameroon. Big smile, thumbs up. Gee I can use his advice right now.
You see, I somehow got a girlfriend in Cameroon, well actually two. Both are named Sabine, or at least one is.
Okay, short version:
I met Sabine on-line when I searched for people in Cameroon through a pen pal site. Initially we corresponded about her country, the food, climate, basic stuff.
Then as my arrival date loomed nearer, the e-mails changed in tone, became more longing with specific requests for cell phones and such.
I arrived in Cameroon and decided that I would not see Sabine until the end of the week and invite her to my show. I figured once she saw me prancing about as five different queer characters and heard me announce publicly that I am gay, that that might cool off the love she had for me.
She arrived and spoke no English. I speak minimal French. Even so, she saw the show and I assumed she understand that it would just not work.
Then she began to call me at my hotel, leave messages, show up at the front desk. I deftly avoided her until one morning, while shaving, she called from the front desk.
I washed my face, packed up my French verbs and stomped downstairs to settle this once and for all.
A woman in her late 50’s met me. I never saw her before in my life. She approached me and introduced herself as SABINE. Sabine?!?
Apparently the REAL Sabine. Turns out, this newer Sabine was the one who first communicated with me via e-mail with the help of her niece, Gladys. At some point Gladys stole Sabine’s identity and started writing to me directly in Sabine’s name.
It took lots of fancy footwork in French to figure out this scenario and I am still not certain I have the complete story. I flagrantly used my friend Priscilla as a covergirl to gry to get Sabine to back off (which pissed of both of my brides-to-be).. But as I left, the “Real” Sabine slipped me a provocative photograph of herself. Clearly she didn’t get it.
Yesterday I received the following e-mail, “Hi my darling , i’ m so happy to write you this letter. I was so happy to be with you in my country , and i hope that we will be together once again; I miss you so much , and i want to read you again . I want to know if you finished and darling i want to meet your pictures that you must sent me i will send you the picture of my son charles . big kiss , i wait your letter. tenderly , sabine” (yeah right, which Sabine? And will I have to adopt Charles?)
Clearly she doesn’t get it. Oh Malta Man, whatever shall I do???