The other day I received the following e-mail from Susanne, a woman who found out her some years ago that her husband has same-sex attractions. I felt so moved by her words that I asked her permission to share them with you on the blog.
I (recently) saw your Doin Time… and I was the one who asked about your wife during the discussion period that followed.
I just read your thoughts on What About the Spouse….and I can say, most women who find out their husbands are gay feel ALL of those things you wondered about….some in more degrees than others…
When my husband was dragged out of the closet because of his irreverent, immoral, and amoral behavior that our, then, 14 and 16 year old sons had to find on our home computer, I went into the closet. I didn’t know what to pray for….
Do I pray that this will go away? Do I pray that he could go back to the way things were in our family before we knew about him,? Do I pray that I could go back to the way things were? After all , this wasn’t like finding out your husband has a gambling problem or a drinking problem….With these, I would have been able to stand BY him, and FOR him.
I spent many, many months thinking….about my marriage of 22 years….about God…..about the lives of my sons…. It was all too much for me to digest. I found that I could not pray, anymore. So, I remember telling God I was taking some time off from prayer and I trusted He knew why.
I could have gone the ” hate ” route….hate all gay men….hate all gays. I was so profoundly devastated by what my husband did to me and our family.
My older son struggled with the idea that his father was going to Hell for being gay. He even went to a retreat house about 15 miles from our home to find a priest who could answer that question.
Thankfully, the priest did NOT say what I feared he would say….He told my son that only God knows what is in the hearts of each person and that he should not fear his father would go to Hell. I was pleased with the priest’s answer.
My son still didn’t know how to reconcile his religion with what his father had done… he was remembering what he read in the Bible…you know the passages, I am sure.
I do believe being gay isn’t a choice…. few, if any, would choose such a hard lifestyle. And, as I told my son, if Christ really thought gays were evil or worthy of condemnation, or sick, surely there would have been a parable: ” Jesus cures the gay man.”
Its been very hard, letting go of a marriage I had no intentions of ever ending. If my husband was never found out, he would have taken his secret to his grave. I didn’t have any ” signs”; he kept that side of himself very separate. He used to refer to it as his ” Dark side” after his cover was blown. What I do know is that he would give his very soul to be str8.
Like you, I too was an Eng. Lit major and have used my sense of humor to keep me emotionally alive through it all….It has always been my saving grace.
Thank you, Susanne.
If you are the spouse of someone who is bisexual or has same-sex attractions, check out the Straight Spouse Network. They have many on-line resources as well as local support groups in many parts of the US and internationally.