Mixed Orientation Marriages–Fraud, Failures and Family

On this blog and my Spanish blog I have highlighted the stories of straight women married to gay men. In some cases the woman knew in advance that the man she was going to marry “struggled with homosexuality.” The marriage may have been a direct product of the Ex-Gay Movement, which offered all sorts of promises of change to men who exclusively fancied men.

The union may have come about as an outgrowth of religious institutions that placed a high premium on marriage and family. Or both. Add to the mix the pressure from family and society to marry. Many gay men I have met have desired to be parents and 20 years ago and even less than that felt their only means was through heterosexual marriage. In many cases the woman has no clue that her husband likes men and may be exclusively orientated that way. (I recognize there are bisexual people out there who have been successful in marriage. I also do not write here about mixed orientation marriages between a lesbian woman and a straight man. I don’t have much firsthand knowledge of these, so I will stick with what I know and seen.)

Very rarely do these marriages between a gay man and a straight woman “work.” What success looks like is not at all be what gets advertised by ex-gay proponents. A mixed-orientation marriage at minimum requires transparency, honesty, realism, maturity and communication, sadly qualities that I have seen sorely lacking in religious-based mixed orientation marriages. Most often these marriages end in flames bringing down with them many victims–straight spouses, children, extended family as well as the gay spouse. Painful and tragic stuff.

Carol Boltz knows firsthand about the complications and the difficulties of marriage with a gay man. She writes poignantly about the pain that arises from so many good memories, hopes and dreams mixed in with the anger, hurt and disappointment. On her blog My Heart Goes Out, she has shared a lot of herself and her personal journey of healing as well the challenges of loving the man who is no longer her husband, particularly in a climate where some church folks expected her to be ugly and hateful towards him. It has not been easy balancing her own needs and hurt with those of her husband and the many feelings that have swirled around through the whole coming out/separation/divorce/post-marriage process. She also has spent time analyzing the many forces at work that encourage and enable these mixed-orientations to occur in the first place. In her post from Saturday, January 31, 2009 EX-GAY THERAPY….THEY MAKE YOU STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN, LONG ENOUGH TO BREAK HER HEART, she writes about Ted Haggard, a Evangelical minister who was discovered in a relationship with a male prostitute and urges gay men to refrain from marrying straight women.

When I was an active member of the Yahoo group, “Wives of gay/bi husbands,” it was heartbreaking for me to see so many, many wives who were hurt continually by their gay husbands. These good women (or who knows, they could have been regular women) wanted in every way to believe that their husbands were never, ever again going to act on their sex drives with other men. Unfortunately, it was a rare man who didn’t go to the computer or video store for porn, visit a park for anonymous sex, or keep a boyfriend on the side. The actions of these men left their families at risk for disease. They disrespected their wives by lying. They harmed the women they had once loved by use of drugs and alcohol. But more than anything else, in their wake they had hurt everyone, and they many times did all this while telling their wives “I’m not really gay.” Yeah, right.

I am not trying to have a self-fulfilling prophecy that the ones who claim to be “not-gay” will eventually act on their feelings. I am not trying to say that their love is not real, nor would I encourage others in this situation to leave one another or abandon their families. But as I’ve stated before, it is a travesty to tell a young person that the “feelings will change,” if they marry someone of the opposite sex. It is wrong to tell them, like Ted Haggard is doing, that “the ideal is to marry.” That makes other relationships inferior, and they are not.

Yesterday I received a comment on my blog post Four Former Wives of Gay Husbands Speak Out. The comment is written by a man whose sister married a man who after eight years of marriage, came out gay. His comment is thick with anger, the sort of anger that I imagine I would feel if someone harmed my own sister.  I also imagine that for gay men who were once in heterosexual marriages, reading his words will be painful. The raw hurt he expresses at the injustice of the situation comes through powerfully.

I post his comment in full because I believe it is important for men who like men (gay/ex-gay/”former homosexuals”) to hear these words and let them soak in and to get past all of the religious language and hopes and promises that make it seem reasonable to consider marriage with a straight woman. Also, I have reflected on some recent comments by Sheria of SA who encourages us to consider the many family members negatively affected by mix-orientation marriages.

Mac writes:

My EX-brother-in-law decided to let my sister know he was gay after 8 years of marriage & 2 children. I have to agree w/JennyT., & the “I don’t get it” comment. This guy could have stayed single and lived any life he wanted to. But instead, (for whatever reason) decided to get married to a hetrosexual woman while knowing he was gay since childhood (his own admission). As for the “Sorry” line from one of the commenters and from my EX BROTHER IN LAW; well you should BE. You have completely F*ck.. over a innocent person, who enetred into a relationship with you in good faith. You had the right to be confused or whatever; but to go into a marriage based on lies, knowing full well you could never truly love this person; and/or give them what they need; I don’t understand this, unbelievably self-centered and selfish. FRAUDALENT. If you’re truly “Sorry” then before you go do anything for yourself, aid your wife (OR HUSBAND WHATEVER THE CASE) in getting her what she needs. MOVE AWAY. Get out of thier life. Support her & any children finanacially, pay for whatever counseling she will certainly need, and do your best to get her in a condition where she might be able to have the relationship she should of had, and probably would have had, had it not been for you. And just in case that sounds like to much; just as an FYI to everyone as well, your EX can sue you in most states for fraud, in which case you wold be liable for the things I mentioned above, in addition to monetary damages for pain and suffering, anguish, an allotment for every year the fraud continued. There are MANY choices you made before you got married to a hetro, if you knew you were gay, or suspected you were gay, while you were doing this, it is not O.K. “Sorry” doesn’t cover it. You commited FRAUD.

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This post has 35 Comments

  1. Immanuel Brändemo on August 22, 2009 at 2:02 pm Reply

    “Fraud” sounds so harsh, but it’s true – though you are yourself as much of a victim of it as your partner and the rest of the family.

    I have a friend whose father was probably gay and married a straight woman. They all knew (though maybe not from the beginning) but he never came out, and I think that is one of the reasons their family is still very dysfunctional. Even if you’ve made the mistake of marrying a woman when you know you’re gay, it’s better to break up. I think my friend would have had a much better life if his parents had had a divorce and if his father had come out. Staying together for the kids is a great way to teach them how to become unhappy and miserable when they grow up.

    • p2son on August 22, 2009 at 2:10 pm Reply

      Immanuel, thanks for weighing in and sharing about the experience of your friend.

  2. GreenEyedLilo on August 22, 2009 at 2:16 pm Reply

    As a bi woman who left fundamentalism, I can see both sides. I can understand the pain and pressure that could drive a gay man to marry a straight woman, but I would respond like “Mac” if an all-the-way-gay man married a woman I cared about.

    I get angry when ex-gay promotors talk about gay men possibly marrying women. They never seem to mean their own sisters or daughters, do they? And if they do, well, I don’t know what’s worse, to be honest. I believe that homophobia and misogyny are bound together. People who think gays can and should change tend not to have much respect for female sexuality, either.

  3. Angelia Sparrow on August 22, 2009 at 7:06 pm Reply

    Speaking as someone in a mixed-orientation marriage (bi female/straight male), I have to thank you for this. The fact that every boy I dated came out of the closet afterward worried my parents wrt Mudd.

    I have heard of only two cases where a couple stayed together after the husband came out. In both cases, they loved each other too deeply to part, but agreed to a sexually open relationship.

    Part of the problem is that we marry so young, without knowing who we really are, without knowing what resources are out there.

  4. lower case paul on August 23, 2009 at 12:08 am Reply

    There are so many angles to this. You have people who married during an era when “homosexuality” had barely (if yet) been removed from the APA disorder list. Then there’s “God” and hell. And hey, how bout those bi and queer folk? We are experiencing an age of enlightenment, but it hasn’t always been thus, and frankly there are many who remain unenlightened.

    I don’t know “Mac” or his brother in law, so I can neither agree with Mac or defend his brother in law. As Immanuel points out, the brother in law may indeed be a victim of fraud as well. If so, who does he get to “sue?” Who is going to pay for his counseling bills?

    Mac seems to gloss over one of the most important elements in the sad story of his sister and brother in law, i.e., the brother in law “decided to marry a heterosexual woman… (for whatever reason).” The “whatever reason” is the key to understanding, without which there will be no healing.

  5. Sheria-SA on August 23, 2009 at 7:44 am Reply

    Great post again Peterson…Thanks for the mention, am so glad you find my contribution to your blog meaningful and helpful.Yes, honesty is such an important tool in these situations/relationships-am sure the lack of it does have painful and tragic consequenses…

  6. Andy on August 23, 2009 at 6:24 pm Reply

    Just a heads up that the link to Carol Boltz’s blog post is broken. It should be: http://myheartgoesout-carol.blogspot.com/2009/01/ex-gay-therapythey-make-you-straight.html

    • p2son on August 23, 2009 at 6:36 pm Reply

      fixed! Thanks 😀

  7. JennyT on August 23, 2009 at 6:39 pm Reply

    I wrote in a comment on the “Four Former Wives of Gay husbands speak out” I’m the JennyT. that Mac refers to as saying “I don’t get it”. He commented after me on that blog, and I followed the link you left him; here. To catch others up; I am an Ex-wife of a gay man.
    I have to say to MAC, Thank you. That anger, that rage, that hurt, that is EXACTLY what I feel. And also in Peter’s comment in the introduction to Mac’s comments, when he mentions “injustice”. When I read that word, INJUSTICE I cried. That word incapsulates pretty much the whole of it. I realize “Life Isisn’t fair”. We all just get what we get, don’t we? But I don’t think I can explain to you, the profound level of pain that my EX, through his deception, has caused me. Though I did not let this experience comletely destroy me, it came very, very, very close.

  8. Carol on August 24, 2009 at 8:29 am Reply

    JennyT – when I got the to the “very, very, very close,” my stomach felt like it was going to hit the floor. If anything I do can prevent that from happening to another woman, I want in some small way to be credited with that. By being public, I hope that we can prevent more pain, and surely we can prevent destruction of lives in the process.

    In my situation, the pain goes both ways. It’s pain that doesn’t go away, even though it’s more distant. Rose Kennedy, who experienced a lot of heartache said this:
    “It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

    • JennyT on August 24, 2009 at 8:05 pm Reply

      Thank you for the kind words and for the work that you do. The quote from Rose Kennedy is very true.
      I guess I did think for a long time, that one day, the memory of this particular event and particular relationship in my life, wouldn’t be so painful, and that I would start at some point, to feel like “me” again. Instead I have found, that I am changed. I am no longer the person I was; fresh, outgoing, and happy-go-lucky. There is a level of grief, and pain that I carry with me, that is very heavy, and layered. I have worked hard to regain some kind of confidence and self esteem, but it has been difficult for me. I take anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I don’t believe I would be in this condition if I hadn’t married my Ex.

  9. Sheria-sA on August 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm Reply

    Lets look at the definition of fraud -“intentional deception resulting in injury to another person”.
    Talking about fraud, I too agree that the word fraud is a bit too harsh. Now, why would someone who is seriously gay want to be with women?? Seriously??
    If someone knows he is gay and desires women, it can only mean two things: They are bisexual or they have serious psychological problems and need help.
    I find the term fraud a bit too harsh because I imagine these gay men wanting to be with women becuase of pressure from society-( they have heared that being gay is a sin, they know what the majority of society thinks of homosexuality. So, just to please society, family and friends, they end up wanting to be with women so that they dont suffer rejection; so that they are accepted. I also believe it is not really fraud because I think some gay men hope they can change their same sex desires by being with woman, only to discover that they still have those desires. Over and above, it is very important to be HONEST so that there are no casualties. And just for the record, this is an opinion of a very straight woman….

    • Misc Adverts on October 16, 2012 at 8:21 am Reply

      Marriage is a contract. The agreement and exchange of promises can be just about anything the couple wants. Fidelity is often one element, as is the promise to respect one another. Respect, it could be argued, includes being forthcoming about the fact that you will never be sexually attracted nor desire intimacy, which is something married people expect, with your partner because from the beginning of the relationship you could simply never be interested. That’s a potential basis for fraud. Another is Fraud in the inducement. You want to cover-up your homosexuality to the world so pretend you are not by marrying a heterosexual — so you begin the contract of marriage based on a fraud to induce it. Basis for divorce for sure.

  10. JennyT on August 24, 2009 at 7:44 pm Reply

    I’m glad Sheria-sA mentioned the definition for fraud and brought it in this discussion for all of us to think about.

    “intentional deception resulting in injury to another person”

    I can understand the reasoning she uses and agree that some of the reasons she mentions, might in fact be WHY a gay person MIGHT enter into a marriage with a straight person.

    However, just because we know and/or can take guesses at, WHY a gay person might enter into a marriage with a hetro, it doesn’t take away from the fact (if the gay person KNOWS they’re gay before the marriage) that the gay individual IS knowingly being deceptive. So in my mind, these situations do fit the definition of fraud.

    The law doesn’t take into account WHY a person might commit fraud. It only has to establish if the “fraud” occured.

  11. e2tc on August 24, 2009 at 9:17 pm Reply

    This is such a good post (and comment thread), though hard to read, in one sense – because I know people who’ve suffered tremendous harm (as straight spouses, as the LGBTQ people married to straight spouses, as the children of parents caught in this trap, and on and on…).

    Regarding fraud, I think there really are times when this happens in mixed-orientation marriages. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for the straight spouses (see my link) to go through this, let alone the way so-called “friends” aided and abetted the deceitful parties. Granted, the linked article deals with late 19th-early 20th c. “white marriages,” but I’m sure this is still happening today, without any religious authorities’ involvement. (In our society and around the world.)

    One thing that troubles me (in reading this post) are the many, many lies I remember being told to those who frequented the ex-gay ministry I used to support re. marriage and “orientation change.” I feel like so many people have been duped by false promises made by “leaders” who either are outright lying about their own lives (still gay) or, at very least, seriously fudging on admitting that they’re really bi.

  12. p2son on August 24, 2009 at 9:46 pm Reply

    These are rich and painful comments. Rarely do we get such a variety of experiences coming together in a single forum. I know many gay men who were married to straight women have been reading along. As one such man, I hear the pain and feel shame for my own actions even as I understand all the factors that led up to those actions. In my case my wife knew I was gay before we married–or as I put it at the time–I struggled with homosexuality. Like e2tc mentions, we had lots of friends and plenty of religious leaders holding out all sorts of false promises for us. At age 25 we had no business marrying. I especially had no business proposing marriage. I was deluded and deceived, perhaps I deceived myself making it that much easier to deceive my wife and others.

    I do remember how the world changed around me once I was a married man–the respect, the privileges I encountered. It was like a new door to a better place opened up for me. I guess that is another “why” someone would enter into a mixed orientation marriage.

    It’s bad business all around reaping a harvest of woe for everyone. As a gay man, I get to come out and enter a community that is thrilled to see me come out. I get celebrated, supported, encouraged. I know that is not typically the case for the straight spouses, particular for wives. Through the years I have had straight spouses tell me how when their husbands exit the closet, they feel as if they have to enter their own. Friends and family can be so ignorant and unhelpful, even at times casting blame on the wife or saying silly things instead of listening and trying to be there for the person. I am sure it is common for wives to heap blame on themselves at time: “How come I never saw this coming??”

    Lots of blame and shame goes around. Lots of anger and hurt and regrets. Scars grow and people move on, marked, each one of us. I so hope someone (or many someones) reads about these mix orientations marriages and that this will keep them from recreating the cycle of pain and shame and reject and woe.

    Thank you all for sharing openly. Thank you for being gentle with each other. That is essential in this sort of discussion.

    • GreenEyedLilo on August 28, 2009 at 11:09 am Reply

      I didn’t think I was nearly gentle enough. I apologize for that. Sometimes I feel conflicted between the queer in me and the woman in me, or I just see all sides. The woman in me is kinda mean when she’s pushed. She loves country songs about revenge on the cheating bastard and delights in seeing Mark Sanford squirm and once helped a friend cut the crotches out of all her ex-boyfriend’s pants. So, that’s where I came from.

      But I know these circumstances are a bit different. I understand about the door to the better world. I saw it when I had a boyfriend. He’s bi, and he also saw it. Nobody said anything when we held hands and kissed! My mom and I compared notes about sex! It was definitely better, and we both felt more compelled to work for equality. And we weren’t even in an Evangelical Christian church–we were both away from that. I can only imagine what a relief being married and having that pressure off you would be to someone in the church.

      It’s good that you see the problems of the ex-wife, that she doesn’t get celebrated. (She’ll more likely get, “What were you thinking? Didn’t you see it?”)

      I do love my country songs, and I think of this one a lot when I read about ex-gays and marriage:

      “I oughta know the language well
      I’ve heard me tell myself these things before
      I finally made my mind up
      My heart tells me to look for something more
      Determined not to wind up wondering was she the one
      Well, you never can be sure

      So we tell ourselves that what we found is what we meant to find
      That’s what we tell ourselves
      You won’t believe the things
      A heart could tell a mind
      Somehow we sell ourselves on love
      I just don’t think I’ll believe my heart this time”

      –Clint Black, “We Tell Ourselves”

      • e2tc on August 28, 2009 at 3:00 pm Reply

        Lilo, I know women who’ve married “ex-gay” guys who wanted to believe (maybe really *did* believe) that somehow, things were going to be OK with their husbands sexually. They took the same bait that was presented to the men they married – that “change is possible.”

        I know it might be hard to understand, but lots of people out there really, truly *believe* this – some even after they’ve been broadsided (no pun intended!) by the very real consequences of believing it.

        I hope that makes sense….

  13. e2tc on August 24, 2009 at 10:07 pm Reply

    … even at times casting blame on the wife…

    It happens a lot, I think…

    As for your age when you and your ex married, you *were* young. Am sure the lies extended to what was said to the straight spouses (re. entering into a mixed-orientation marriage).

    • GreenEyedLilo on August 28, 2009 at 5:11 pm Reply

      I can’t reply to your comment above for some reason, so will here. I do think that the conservative Evangelical church does a number on women. (I say this as someone who spent her adolescence in one, as a passionate 50/50 bisexual woman.) Girls certainly aren’t encouraged to explore all the options available to them or explore their own sexuality. Some ministries and churches even discourage kissing before marriage and dating before a “marriageable” age! And then they want people to marry really young. Though I am long gone from the church, I hear from younger women (like my cousin) and have read websites like Focus on the Family’s blast of terrible advice, Boundless.org, with my jaw wide open.

      This definitely is a recipe for a wife who is underprepared for marriage, who doesn’t really know how men or sexuality work, and who can be taken in quite easily, even while her husband is being taken in by lies himself.

      It does make sense. I can sort of understand it. It’s a sorry situation all around.

      • e2tc on August 29, 2009 at 7:18 pm Reply

        Hey there – I’m having the same thing happen re. replying to threaded comments. Looks like something WordPress needs to debug.

        As for your background – yeah, I hear you, though I didn’t grow up in the evangelical church. I came to evangelicalism in my early 20s. So I didn’t hear all that stuff from an early age, for which I’m deeply grateful!

        I don’t think the groups you’re talking about do *anyone* (of any gender or orientation) much good in terms of preparing for real-life relationships, and (being a woman myself), agree with you.

  14. JennyT on August 27, 2009 at 3:34 pm Reply

    I was reading all posts again; and I just wanted to share, that my EX and I, were not from any kind of formal or institutional religeous backgrounds.
    It is horrifying what these institutions are teaching about homosexuality (and no doubt on other subjects as well). I feel for you all who obviously suffered through that. To be treated in such a way, too, is an “Injustice.” I know a lot of people never told me, when I was hurting, that they were sorry about my situation, and that they recognized that I was hurt by it. So to you all who were treated quite cruelly by these so called ‘spiritual” organizations, I want to tell you, that I am sorry that happend to you. Those people had no right to do that to you, and I’m sorry for the pain they caused you.

  15. Tracy on March 9, 2010 at 6:00 pm Reply

    I can relate to the justifiable outrage. My stbx hid that he wanted to be a woman for 15 years then left for a transexual life after 3 kids. He told our son he always knew he wanted to be a girl, but wanted a few kids first!

    My life has been shattered. I left a career to stay home with kids, the only choice I was comfortable with. Now I have to be relegated to night shift, homework duty, laundry lady, and meal prep with fun sprinkled in only on weekends we are together. I used to homeschool my kids. We had a beautiful life together. Now I have to find a job that allows me to somewhat be there for them and they all are in public school. I married this person who shared my dreams, he said. We met in church. He never told me this fantasy of his until 14 years of marriage, at which time he said he now was clinging to Jesus. That was just a lie to move me to another state to get less spousal support.

    If only the family code allowed enough for a mom to carry on after staying home for years then one would not need to prove a tort case.

    Whether these people can help it or not is debatable, I’ll never agree that it is some genetic accident afterall a choice was made and a vow taken. That vow was not “until I just can’t stand the urge anymore”.

    Many excuse these gay or transexuals because they have been told that the person cannot help it and it has become a socially acceptable deviance (ie. “not that there is anything wrong with that”). But if a woman was screwing a train of men routinely there is not one person who doesn’t blame the GLBT people for their actions that wouldn’t blame the nimphomaniac woman. It’s moral relativism and that’s religion aside,

    These men are not as advertised and should pay to restore the life of their victims.

  16. carol on March 12, 2010 at 9:15 am Reply

    Tracy – you brought up an excellent point, and I’ve addressed it in as a new entry on my blog. I won’t copy it here, since I don’t intend to hijack Peterson’s comments. I REALLY liked what you said about “these men are not as advertised and should pay…” Right on!

  17. mindroo on October 5, 2010 at 10:35 am Reply

    I’ve seen the pain described above, but not the ability or success in suing for fraudulent mixed orientation marriages. Is this really something that one can sue for? Has anyone experience success in this area? In the US? What states? I would be interested in hearing stories…..

  18. Anonymous on February 2, 2012 at 11:07 pm Reply

    Its wrong and is fraud not to tell the woman you asked to marry you that you are gay. You are risking their heath and life and taking their freedom of choice away.

  19. Mark on February 21, 2012 at 6:16 pm Reply

    This is not fraud it is a failure of society. We are raised from an early age that gay is wrong, straight is right . Many of us were absolutely convinced that if we tried hard enough we could be straight and we were told by everyone around us that we had no other choice. All you have to look at the ignorance spewing forth from some of our potential future presidents to see this horrible injustice continues today.

    If being bi,gay and trans was an acceptable part of society mixed orientation marriages if they occurred at all would be with openness love and compassion right from the first date. I think in the end this is the point Peterson is making.

  20. Suze on May 3, 2012 at 9:26 pm Reply

    I live in North Carolina, where people are voting on “Amendment One” – an amendment to the state’s constitution defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Just wanted to let you know how much I empathize with the hurt of a straight spouse who learns her/his life partner is gay/trans, etc. Also felt readers should know that one of the sponsors of Amendment One proudly told me that “gay people already have the right to marry” (meaning, entering into a mixed-orientation marriage). How come the straight spouse community is silent on these terrible amendments? More people need to hear the pain of unsuspecting straight spouses. I continue to hear from other conservatives that “gay people already have the right to legally marry (that is, to marry someone of the opposite sex).

  21. trisdg on August 29, 2012 at 11:17 am Reply

    some mom’s work
    that doesn’t seem to be taken into account in anything I’ve read here
    honesty up front is best policy of course, eyes open, as much as that’s possible in any marriage… and not acting out of shame or fear around either person’s sexuality, but acceptance, love, common values.

  22. Badger on August 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm Reply

    Honesty is always the best policy. The only excuse for not being honest is weakness. There is no, NO reason to marry someone and build a life if one person is unsure about their sexuality. Mac’s got it straight (sorry… had to use the word). People want to make it an issue about society or religion and justify the lie because, “it’s hard to be gay.” Too bad. Take responsibility for your life and own your identity. Don’t live a false life and while doing that create a false life for a spouse. If you’re a gay person and uncomfortable with who you are – get help and avoid creating as much collateral damage as possible.

  23. Tina Shondrick on May 28, 2013 at 8:50 am Reply

    I am mad as hell, My husband and I got divorced and I learned soon after that he was having sex with guys he met on craigslist in palm springs, ca… All the emails I saw were disgusting,, saying “bottom here” Hey I remember you I gave you head in your monster truck you loved it” He sent pictures of his erection with a cock ring on to these guys to see it they were interested, hell its all over the place. Look gays have the right to marry, but they should not have the right to marry a straight woman by defrauding her, letting her think he is straight! He took away my choice to make an informed, intelligent decision. He took 10 yrs of my life away. Hey gay men can marry now so why the hell are gay men still using straight women to cover up their lies. I plan on suing him for fraud, if anything, I will have the satisfaction of it being public information. He knew from the beginning that he used me to raise his kids, be a caretaker, taxi driver, make home cooked meals, be the good looking arm piece for him.
    Then after the kids graduated he knew my job was done, no more use for me. I came home to 6 guys emptying out my home,(3000sq ft home) my bank acct was gone and then he got my car. The police were there and said sorry this is a civil matter. POOF ! like magic my life as I knew it was gone in one day. I stood on the driveway with an empty home, no car, no money and I thought what the hell just happened??? I didn’t sign on for this. My job was over but usually you get paid for a job well done. He stole 10 years of my life, because he knew that the marriage was doomed from the get go. That is FRAUD! I have been humiliated, I feel like I am diseased somehow. I do not trust anyone, and I would love to beat the hell out of him, literally. One of my good friends is gay, I told him about it and he said, Tina I know I am gay, I have always known it and what he did to you, no one should have to go through. He told me that half the men in gay bars are married. I told him it makes me sick with all the gay rights activist but what about MY RIGHT to know that you are gay before you marry me. What if I get HIV along the way? he doesn’t give a f%^%. Does anyone?? I want to make it illegal to Withhold information when you marry that you are a gay man or gay woman. YOU TELL Me! Its my right to know that I am in for a world of shit! Its my right also to say OK, I’ll do it and live this sham. I wasn’t given a choice. This guy was very masculine. Owns a Construction co. and NO ONE would ever suspect him. Hell, I saw him on Match.com I guess he is looking for another cover. I would like to do a bobbit on him and throw his dick in the garbage disposal. I wish I were dead! I hate him! I hate my life! And I hate all of you Gay men that marry unsuspecting straight women. Now I cannot see through all my tears running down my face. I am so full of hate I cannot even begin to tell you. I must be the stupidest woman on the face of the earth. It is so sad to think someone would knowingly, systematically destroy another persons life. He knew the marriage was doomed from the day he asked me to marry him.
    Thank you for this website…..I feel like someone knows my complete despair and anger, when I tell someone they always look at me weird, like I’m gross or something. It’s just a look, I can’t explain it, but its there. I want my 10 years back!!! There needs to be a law that a marriage like mine was fraud. I want paid for 10 yrs and I intend to get paid for all my hard work and adding to the success of his business portraying the family man with the perfect beautiful wife. Well, not anymore. I just want out of this sick world. Everyone is fake.
    PEACE to whoever read this, sorry. tina

    • teri on November 27, 2013 at 10:31 am Reply

      Peace Tina ! Your emotions sound just like mine. My dilemma is needing 23 years back ! Hang in there. As the saying goes…”It’s a mans world”…and why they will lie for each other and not rat each other out when they know something is morally wrong is beyond me.

  24. Carolyn Wilson on June 16, 2013 at 2:10 am Reply

    I’m so sorry, Tina…believe me I feel your pain. My husband stole 30 years of my life, and is currently living the life he’s always wanted, while I am 60 years old, out of the workforce, and so ashamed of my situation I can’t even go to a grocery store or the doctor. My six children are damaged beyond repair. My grandaughter will never trust enough to ever have a successful relationship. He not only stole the past 30 years of my life, he has seen to it that I’ll have no future. I can’t afford a lawyer…he has gay lawyers. He thinks he owes me nothing. I want out of this sick world too. If I can ever function as a human being again, I’m going to look in to suing for fraud. At least then this whole ugly story will be documented. When I finally do die, I don’t want this sociopath’s actions to define me. I want to have been good for something. It would have been so much less cruel if he had gathered all of us in a room and blown our brains out. I think God has forgotten about me. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  25. sbrass on December 16, 2013 at 3:06 pm Reply

    Thank you for opening up this painful subject. My wife came out to herself and me in May after 33 years of marriage. Honestly my first reaction was one of compassion for the immense suffering that has been hers, since when she was young, and first felt same sex attractions, that was unthinkable. Completely outside the realms of possibility. So she’s struggled with these feelings, endured several tormented friendships, and one very brief affair (sex but little love). I was and am shattered, but supportive. We’ve talked more than ever before. I think we were both in denial. A low-sex marriage has become a no-sex marriage. There’s no new close friend in sight for her, and she’s not looking, though I’ve told her that at least part of me wants her to know the joy of a totally giving sexual relationship. We are in therapy, together and separately.

    I would like to believe that young people today are freer to explore their sexuality; that they are less likely to repress their true orientations; and so that they are less likely to find themselves in the uncomfortable place that we are in!
    I’ve found VERY little help, support or advice for straight men married to lesbian wives trying to make a go of their marriage. ALL the books I’ve found are written by lesbian wives who’ve come out or straight women whose husbands are gay. We straight men are unseen, unheard collateral damage of the gay thing.
    My low sex-drive wife seems to have struggled against ‘wrong desires’ for so long that she’s succeeded in killing ALL desire. So I’m struggling with how to make love to a low/no desire lesbian wife. Or do we have to part, or only stay together with opening up our marriage to other partners (on one side or both)?
    We are both in a process of mourning. She is mourning the lesbian love that she never had (and never plans to have), and I’m mourning the loving exchange of desire that is the normal part of most marriages.

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