I flew into Memphis on Tuesday night, my third visit to this Mid-South city since February when Christine Bakke and I along with several other ex-gay survivors came to town to work with local LGBT folks in organizing Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth–A Weekend of Action & Art. Last night I performed my play The Re-Education of George W. Bush–No President Left Behind! making it the fourth play I have presented here in 2008. (I guess I need to write a new play before I return :-p )
10 years ago I lived in Memphis. I had gradutated Love in Action, a Memphis-based residential program designed to straighten folks out, in March of 1998, but I returned to the program around this time after a “relapse”. (I think I was the first person to actually graduate then return for more treatment. Usually graduates only come back to work as staff, which in itself is a form of on-going treatment). I spent the rest of the summer of ’98 up through October going through the five phases of the program once again.
Those days still hold dark memories for me. I think about the desperation and the fear that hung over me. After 17 years of seeking God with all my heart, of surrendering, of submitting to various teachings, programs, ex-gay leaders, church leaders, of praying, fasting, memorizing the scripture, worshipping Jesus, bonding with straight male mentors, digging up the roots to my homosexuality, making amends, binding the strong man, tapping into my masculine side, creating a mythology about my past that fit in with the ex-gay developmental model, of doing, hoping, longing, believing, I had experienced no shift whatsoever in regards to my same-sex attractions (a promise dangled before me for years). Worse yet, the more I sought to contain, crucify, hand over, stuff down, manage, and die daily to my same-sex desires, the stronger they propelled me and the deeper I felt depressed, confused, hopeless and ashamed.
10 years ago I sat perched on the rubble of years of believing God and bullying God for “victory over homosexuality.” That I still remained “bound” meant that I had done something wrong. Ex-gay leaders, Christian counselors and uninformed pastors did a disservice to me when constantly put the blame back on me. I failed to turn myself around because:
- I wasn’t trying hard enough.
- I was trying too hard.
- I didn’t want it badly enough.
- I wanted it too much.
- I hadn’t yet discovered the root to my problems
- I needed to find a different treatment plan.
- I needed to pray more, read more, do more, more, more!
- I had not yet repented from the heart.
- I was not willing to resist until death.
In fact, not too long ago in a Conservative Christian anti-gay radio program, a pastor from Central Church, who I knew from my Love in Action days, brought up the need to suffer even until death in our fight against sin in our lives and specifically in regards to gay attraction.
About 10 years ago I finally came to my senses when I realized that change was not possible, change was not necessary, this “change” was destroying me. Instead I took the advice of Love in Action director, John Smid, who instructed us that if something was not working, try something new. He also regularly reminded us that a definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome. For years I tried to sort out my gay side, to rid myself of it or at least control it, but that only bore negative fruit–the opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. A little less than 10 years ago I decided to try something new, to accept the reality that I am a man who finds other men romantically and sexually attractive. I didn’t feel happy at the time about this acceptance, but I needed to face reality, or the fantasy world I lived in would destroy me.
10 years later I enjoy the fruit of the Holy Spirit in a way I always dreamed of–charitas, gaudium, pax, longanimitas, benignitas, bonitus, fides, mansuetudo and continentia. This year’s Pride celebration in Memphis means a lot to me. Over the past 10 years I have reclaimed my life, recovered from much of the ex-gay harm I experienced and grown into health.
Mid-South Pride, the organizers of this year’s festivities, invited me to be the Grand Marshall of the Memphis Pride parade. I would have declined the invitation in any other city (not that others are asking 🙂 but I feel good and yes proud to celebrate Pride here in Memphis even if I will feel a little silly in a car waving to folks along the parade route. This year I celebrate my liberation from 17 years of ex-gay madness and my deliverance from fautly theories and oppressive practices. I celebrate the freedom that I have to be myself, to live in integrity, to embrace a healthy lifestyle based in reality.