How Do I Know if my Spouse is Gay????

Over at my Spanish blog, Dos Equis, I have a post entitled ¿Como Identificar si mi pareja es homosexual? which is similar to the English post What About the Spouse? The Spanish site Adriana and I maintain got so many hits due to search results about gay and lesbian spouses that we decided to write about it in Spanish.

Today I received the following comment:

Sí encontré este blog por el título de este post. Tengo serias dudas
sobre mi esposo, y esperaba encontrar aquí alguna respuesta que me ayude a
identificar si su comportamiento tiene que ver con una orientación homosexual, pero de eso, nada. Ya que te encuentras en esa situación, quizá puedas darnos algunos tips para aquellas que somos lastimadas por el engaño de un hombre que no se resigna a reconocer su inclinación, lo cual es muy injusto para la mujer. Gracias.

I found this blog through the title of this post. I have serious doubts about my husband, and I hope to find some answer that can help me determine if the way he acts might reveal that he has a homosexual orientation, but so far, I have found nothing. Since you have been in this situation, would you please give me tips those of us that suffer because of the deceit of a man who refuses to recognize his inclination, which is very unjust for the women.

This woman deserves useful answers, but I feel hesitant to write about what signs there are to figure out if your husband is gay. For one there are cultural differences to consider. Also, one size does not fit all. Each man is wired differently, and he may display certain “signs” for a variety of reasons, not simply because he is homosexual or bisexual.

So I put it out there for readers. What would you say to this woman? Some of you were married to men or women who turned out to be gay or lesbian or bisexual. Some of you who are gay or lesbian or bisexual were married to a spouse for years before you came out to your spouse. What would you say to this woman?

I also received a comment on this blog at What About the Spouse? I think it deserves to be reprinted here:

The emotional earthquake caused when a person finds out his or her spouse is gay can be devastating. I was married to a gay man for 38 years before divorcing him. I did not know when we married that he was gay.I have learned through my experinece that there are few resources for the straight spouse.

In my work as a life coach, I encourage people to cast a grateful eye toward what was good in the relationship so that moving on can be a creative process rather than one fueled by resentment and anger. Those feelings are definitely there at first, but
the energy of them can be used to create a new life.

I have also found that many gay men have made the mistake of thinking that since the straight wife was friendly and understanding with other gay men, she would accept her husbands desire to live the life style. It came as a bit of a shock to mine that I divorced him.

It would be helpful for gays married to straights to have an understanding of what their spouse might experience beforer they come out to the spouse.

Good article! Melissa McCutcheon

Thank you Melissa! I appreciate the conversations I have had with spouses who have allowed me to see the pain and difficulties as well as their healing process after they discovered that thir marriages were not going to work. Thank you for stepping up and telling your stories.

This post has 3 Comments

  1. alex resare on June 1, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    It opens for more questions. As a spouse, do I have the right to know my partners sexuality? As a partner, am I obligated to tell?

    Honesty is good but it is obligated and if so is it on every level?

    Many in my surroundings got mad when I outed myself as trans not because they thought it was bad in it self but because I had known about it for so long and didn’t tell them. If I had told them earlier I wouldn’t had got the time and space to think about the subject by myself in the extent that I needed.

  2. Steve Boese on June 1, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    Maybe the first thing to point out is that “Is my spouse gay?” embodies more than so many questions, like:

    Is s/he attracted to the same sex?

    Is s/he not attracted to me?

    Has s/he had same-sex relationships?

    Is s/he faithful to our marriage?

    Does s/he keep secrets from me?

    All of these may not necessarily be active. I knew one woman who became convinced that her husband was gay, but wasn’t worried about infidelity because he adamantly refused to consider the possibility.

  3. Jude on June 6, 2007 at 5:55 pm

    As someone who has had an opposite-sex spouse AND a same-sex spouse, I also want to pose the question: “How do I know if my spouse is Bi?”

    🙂 Keep on keepin’ on, Peterson.

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